Struggling

Therapy cancelled today which is a bit gutting coz we really could have used it this week. A poorly Astrid (a fever) means that it just aint gonna happen.
Sometimes I lose myself in arguments with one of the most important people in my life. For whatever reason Sandra and I were thrown together in love. She's always been the one to light up a room for me. That was one of the first things I really noticed about her. Yeah she's pretty and funny too. Lovely family. Makes nice babies.  But it's that glow.
And again, for whatever reason, seems too cliched to call it destiny or fate (The irony of life?) we have the ability to trigger certain reactions in each other. Anger, on my part when i feel I'm being ignored. Distance or passive aggression on Sandras when she feels she's being maipuulated (or feels me being upset).
It's the perfect mix to create potential conflict. Then add to the cocktail a sprinkling of children, a sliver of lack of sleep, lots of people with their own free will living in one place. And,
So we had a row, I said some stupid things that in my heart I absolutely don't mean. But in my mind...in the mind of an angry John that's looking to blame someone (anyone) for some  pain.

Ok, so Tolle calls this Thing that is triggered the painbody. A collection of past traumas, slights etc built up from childhood onwards. A conglomeration of all the painful stuff. The emotions. The disappointments. The heartache.
When the PB arises its hard to stop. But this time I felt I was more aware, like looking down a telescope at this idiot (me) saying these things. So... I need to be aware of being triggered, of the anger arising. Then its time for a long bike ride or phone a friend. Definately not the time to suggest a 'chat' with my beloved.